A Queer Guide to Surviving the Holidays
By Genevieve Balivet (she/her/hers)
The winter holidays can be a difficult time for the queer community. Whether you’re facing gatherings with non-affirming family or a holiday spent separated from your loved ones, the season can bring dread, anxiety, loneliness, and other painful emotions. The good news is there are plenty of strategies to help get yourself through this time of year. Here are some tips for supporting your mental health, handling tricky situations, and making your holidays a little easier to weather.
Reach Out To Your Support Network
Connecting with people who make you feel seen is one of the best things you can do during the holidays. Your community is here for you; reminding yourself of that can be comforting and fortifying, no matter what you face. If you have to deal with a celebration with queerphobic family, contact some friends ahead of time. Let them know what you’re going through and that you might reach out for support. In the gathering itself, look for allies wherever you can: the siblings and cousins who are straight but affirming, the aunts or uncles who set off your gaydar, the family pets who are just happy to be with you. A safe person can be a valuable buffer against bigotry.
Outside required gatherings, organize get-togethers with your chosen family. This is especially important for those who otherwise might spend the holidays alone. Share a meal, go on a hike, have a movie night, or celebrate with your own traditions. If your loved ones are far away, you can call, text, or write emails and letters. Every bit of connection helps! If you still feel isolated, reach out to the Ottawa Area Center For Pride. We have events throughout December which can connect you with the West Michigan 2SLGBTQ+ community. And if you’re struggling, we have a list of hotlines to call in a crisis. We are here for you!
Set Boundaries
Sometimes you just can’t avoid events where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe. In these cases, setting boundaries is the key to get you through. Boundaries protect you from people who might encroach on your privacy or threaten your well-being. They help you spend your emotional energy wisely in a draining and stressful season.
Having boundaries can be as simple as saying “no.” You don’t have to go to every event; you don’t have to continue conversations where you feel harassed; and you definitely don’t have to explain your identity or advocate for the queer community if it makes you uncomfortable. You have the right to be treated with dignity, queerness and all. Saying “no” might feel mean or rude, but it’s a way of showing yourself that respect.
However, you might be dealing with people who don’t take “no” for an answer. Here, boundaries can mean allowing yourself to disengage from the situation. If you can’t avoid your queerphobic relatives, try the grey rock method: choosing not to respond to or engage in toxic interactions. Grey rocking lets you stay emotionally detached and conserves energy for the activities and people who deserve it.
You can also use boundaries to make an exit strategy. For example, try telling your hosts you have to leave at a certain time, no exceptions—you don’t have to explain why, even if all you plan to do is pick lint off your holiday sweater. You might even arrange for a friend to call with an “emergency.” If you can’t escape completely, you can offer to run an errand by yourself or pick up a chore away from your transphobic relatives. These strategies can help you get time by yourself, which lets you recover, relax, and prepare for whatever the season throws at you next.
Take Care of Yourself
‘Tis the season for self-care! Whether you’re alone or surrounded by people, make time for things which make you happy. This might include journaling, exercising, sleeping, meditating, engaging in your hobbies, or enjoying your favorite media. But you can also do things which make you feel affirmed in your queer identity. Wear clothing which makes you comfortable in your body. Consume media that makes you feel seen. Say affirmations to yourself. Create some queer art. You can even volunteer with a nonprofit organization to connect with your community and make others’ holidays a little better. Avoid doomscrolling, substance use, and other things which take a toll on you emotionally and physically. And don’t forget to hydrate!
That being said, don’t drown your emotions in toxic positivity. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, or tired, no matter how much the world insists it’s the season of joy. Part of self-care is letting yourself not be okay and using healthy coping methods to get through it. Again, if you need support, use OACFP’s resources page to connect with help.
Above all, remember you are valid, you are loved, you have a community, and you can reach out if you’re struggling. Hopefully these tips help you stay safe and take care of yourself during the holidays. You can make it!
